Despite what many rom-coms and sitcoms seem to tell you, sexual compatibility does not magically develop between two people without any effort at all. It’s actually a very delicate and necessary process that you and your partner can take part in cultivating together. For example, when it comes to sex drives, it’s very normal and common to have differing levels of desire for sex. If you’re curious about how to tell your boyfriend you want more sex, relationship and sex experts have some tips.
“Sexual frequency is an issue in every single relationship for several reasons, so if you want a happy, lasting, compatible relationship you and your partner should talk about sex,” Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, a sex and relationship expert, tells Elite Daily. “You cannot expect your desire for sex to align with your partner’s perfectly. That would be like asking them to want the same foods in the same quantity at the same time every day as you. It’s normal to want different things.”
Sex isn’t something that just happens; it requires a lot of communication to be the best it can be. Speaking openly about what it is you want, like, and dislike with your partner, as well as hearing what they have to say, is an incredibly positive thing for your shared sex life.
Telling Your Partner You Want More Sex
It’s crucial to remember that a partner is never required to meet your sexual needs. Enthusiastic consent is required for any sexual experience you have. That being said, if you want to ask them if they would be interested in having more sex, O’Reilly recommends a direct and empathetic approach to discussing the subject with your partner.
O’Reilly recommends that you start by communicating and affirming your partner on what they do that you like. Whether that’s a specific technique they have, how they initiate sex, or things they say during sex, it’s all about whatever they do that works for you. Your partner may really appreciate knowing you like certain things. You can further this step by asking them what they like about what you do during sex, as well.
“People enjoy feeling desired, but they do not want to feel like sex is an obligation,” KarenLee Poter, the co-host of Sex Talk With My Mom podcast, tells Elite Daily. “Instead of saying, ‘do you want to have sex?,’ try saying something more flirtatious like, ‘I’ve been thinking about you all day.’”
Of course, this depends on the situation, but sometimes all your partner needs to know is that you want more sex in the first place in order to have more. As with all aspects of a relationship, your partner can’t read your mind, so you won’t know how they feel until you bring it up.
Here’s How To Gently Tell Your Partner You’d Like To Have Sex More Often
Instead of having an immediate hard-hitting, deep conversation, you can ease into the subject with a little flirting. “Communication is lubrication,” Cam Poter, the other co-host of Sex Talk With My Mom podcast, previously told Elite Daily. “A first step to having more sex might be to just tell the person how you’re feeling. Get creative with the way you express desire; e.g., whisper in [their] ear, send a flirty sext while they’re at work, [or] leave a post-it on the bathroom mirror.”
Once you’ve been talking about what is going well, O’Reilly recommends that you add an open-ended question into the conversation. This could be anything from, “Do you feel like you’re enjoying our sex life?” or “Is there anything you’d like to try in bed?” or “Is there anything you would like more or less of?” By centering what they want, and learning about their preferences, you can lead the conversation towards talking about what you want, as well. This helps to ease both of you into the conversation, and won’t sound like a criticism or a demand.